what now?

by Jen
(Oklahoma)

20 weeks ago my ex husband was killed in a car accident. During the six years since our divorce, we had tried to reconcile several times. The most recent attempt ended last spring, but we were once again on the up swung to trying again. We have 3 sons. I loved him with all my heart and always felt as if one day we would get it right. Our boys are the most amazing children I have ever met. They have been attending school since day one and continue to function and seem to be adjusting to our "New normal". I teach school and have also been back to work from day one. Some days I want to just stay in bed and cry, and on the weekends some days I do :( .

This is a place I never saw myself in. I fight sadness, anger, confusion, guilt and loneliness daily. It is exhausting. I just don't know what to do with myself. With Christmas fast approaching, I feel less than excited about the holiday. We were all together last year and it was the best one ever. I miss calling him when I find a gift or have an idea for the kids. I'm not sure how to force excitement for the boys sake. People tell me this will get easier, and I know the pain will ease, but that doesn't help now.
I do hold the tears back, because I'm afraid if I let them fall, there will be no stopping them.