TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHY

by Stacy Knasel
(sidney ohio usa)

In the past three years I have endured losses more than one person should have to. In Oct.2008 I lost my step father to heart failure (this was the third step dad I lost to death in my life) this was very unexpected.

In Feb.2009 I lost my daughter who also had a heart problem that no-one knew about, she was 22 years old.

Then Sept.5,2010 My best friend Denise passed away of an accidental overdose.

And the last, Sept15, 2010 my husband Jim. He had serious health problems for the last seven years of his life. But he never gave up and never let anything stop him.But he was afraid of going to sleep at night, he was afraid he wouldn't wake up. So for many years I stayed up to make sure he was ok. He was a large man but had very frail health. So I devoted my whole life to making his as good as I could' At least I hope I did.

Jim and I spent all our time together. We enjoyed each others company. Don't get me wrong we got on each others nerves from time to time, but never liked being away from each other. I'm so lucky that we didn't leave anything unsaid. But his last night on this earth was horrible. He saw one of his family members do something that shook him to the core. and that is the memory that I have to live with. He died at home in our bedroom.

Like always I stayed awake until the sun was coming up and that is the last thing I can remember. I can not remember how he passed away. The doctor said I went into shock and my brain may never let me remember. But he didn't die until the morning I do know that. I must admit all of this has taken a toll on me. I take things one day at a time. Sometimes a hour at a time or even a minute at a time. When we lose people we love we have our own time and way we need to deal with it.

Comments for TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHY

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Jun 26, 2015
 Trying To Understand Why
by: AnonymousTina

On May 15 of this year, I got a call from my Dad to let me know...my niece was murdered in front of her children, by her husband! I still don't understand why this happened to my niece, Ashley Hoffman! She never did anything to anger someone..she was an angel sent from above, but now she had to return! I never had the chance to say..good bye. It still hurts. What you wrote made me cry. That's okay because I had been holding back those tears, trying to be strong for the family, but I'm not! Thank you for a beautiful story.
Jan 19, 2015
 Deepest Sympathy.......
by: Anonymous

Stacy,
Words alone are empty at a time of loss. We can't even think straight, half the time. I know because I lost my dad 4 years ago, and it took the life out of me, almost literally. I also went into shock, and shut down for 2 years, without socializing, or being an active person. I do know the sadness that comes from losses. It hurts so much. WE feel defeated, empty, angry, sad, alone, depressed, in disbelief. But, we do get through it. Somehow, we do live on.
Remember, our loved ones are just a thought away!
Oct 18, 2011
 trying to understand why
by: Janelle

Dear Stacy,

I read and responded to your poem before seeing this story. I am so truly sorry for your many losses. I can only imagine that this all has taken a real toll on you, like you said.

As much as you can I would invite you to allow yourself to just be present to your how healing for now. Of course everyone has different responsibilities, but you have given much to others. So as much as you can, give some time to yourself and to the healing of your heart/soul.

You may find it helpful to read Mary J Luquette's story. She also experienced the death of several family members in the space of three years. Like you mentioned, we all do grief differently. Mary discovered quilting as an art form that helped her express her grief emotions.

May you too, find your own way to express your sorrow and your own way back to hope.

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