This is not easy.

It is now just over 4 months since my father died and I am struggling inwardly. I am coping outwardly and getting on with all that has to be done in life and all the things you have to do after a death etc.

However the inner journey is heavy and tough. My father is the last thing I think about at night and the first thing I think about when I awake. It feels horrible. I do have lovely memories at times too, it is not all heavy. Each person's grief journey is influenced by their circumstances as well of course.

I just wanted to share that I am finding the going tougher as time goes along. I suppose 4 months is still early days.

Comments for This is not easy.

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Jan 21, 2012
 Hello again
by: Anonymous ( the original writer)

I just saw the most recent post and want to wish you well.

I think my advice to anyone who is bereaved would be to forget all the talk of stages and time limits etc . I think it takes as long as it takes and that every case is individual. There will be no 'getting over it ' but rather a different way of being as we continue our own earthly lives. It is like another loss of innocence in our lives when someone so close goes, another 'growing up ' process. I can take a lot of strength from the sort of person my father was and the strength he had and indeed had to have on his life journey.

However the stillness in his former home when I visited my mother recently was very still. I was crying inside as I travelled back and I am not sure quite why. To the outside world I get on with things and laugh and smile and life is such a gift which we must enjoy. I have inner joy about things when I am alone too but sonetimes when one is alone it is tough.

Well enough for now life is for living and living well in honour of our lost one but I wish someone had told me years ago that when you lose someone special life will never be the same again and your outlook is changed forever. It affects your Christian journey too if you are a Christian. Growing is painful.

Much love to you.
Jan 21, 2012
 Response to two recent Jan 20 and 21 posts
by: Anonymous

Dear both - I am writing in reponse to both the posts in response to the loss of my mom where I mote how comforting your words were in sharing your own losses of your fathers. I was also extremely close to my mom too. Hearing about where and how you are dealing with things now after 2 years helps and I know I have only just begun. I know it hasn't fully hit me yet since it is so new and yet a part of me so deeply doesn't want to think that because it scares me to accept because it feels so final. I can't agree more Thant I don't think society understands grief or wants to discuss it - what is interesting is I feel compelled to share with my own friends to cherish their time now because when the loss comes it does and we must learn to manage through the loss. I know some feel they have the connection beyond the loss. I can't say I'm there right now. I'm definitely in denial and confused though I feel this little inner self trying to tell me that really there has been a loss. I thank you for your words and openness. I am so happy to hear about the reconnection with a niece. I can imagine how much love happinessthat offers. I have a niece too who I simply adore and who has really been my bright spot now. I am certain ill be coming back here to post because i find its a release for me and the pain, bit in the mean time May you both have peace - thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Jan 21, 2012
 hello
by: Anonymous

It is lovely to see the recent comments, I am the original writer of This is not easy and I am not sure if the recent comments are a reply to me or to the person who commented on my post back in may 2011. However that does not matter, it is more that we have a 'space ' to share.

For me at just over 2 years I would not like to say where the journey is at. I feel lately as if I am only just realising that my father is really gone. Our bond was very close always so this has been like no other bereavement, there is no comparison with losing anyone else.

Society does not express the truth about grief , it depends on who you have lost but it seems that it goes on for your lifetime but changes. A lot depends on the life the lost person led as well.

May you all have a good 2012.
Jan 20, 2012
 I finally have peace in my heart
by: Anonymous

I'm so happy that my words were of comfort to you. Next month it will be two years since my father passed away and while I still miss him terribly every day, I am finally able to let go. I never thought that would happen. I can now talk about my father and not cry. It took a really long time to get to this point in my life. Somehow I feel stronger having lived through this horrible grief. My memories of my father are happy because I've finally let go of the bad memories.

There are days when I have a flash back but I no longer break down crying. Time really does heal the heart but it can never erace the memories. I don't think some prople truly understand the grieving process and would rather not talk about it. I have a friend at work who ignored me for almost a year because she had recently lost her father and the thought of reliving it with me terrified her, so she ignored me. I understood her feelings and I guess that was her way of dealing with her loss.

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve. I found it difficult to let go in front of other people and let the tears flow in private.

I'm here for you and if you are having a bad day, post a comment and I will respond.

On a happy note, my nicee who I haven't seen since she was a baby (now 42)has been looking for her father and found me through my father's obituary. I now have my niece in my life and she has three adorable teenagers. I am an instant Aunt and it feels so wonderful. I was so pleased to see that she looks like my dad and I know he orchestrated this reunion in Heaven.

Miracles do happen. (-:
Jan 20, 2012
 Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions here....I cannot tell you how much your words and others' words have helped me with my own loss of my mom. Your comments on internal vs. external capture my feelings so well. I feel I engage on a daily basis and yet inside I feel loss, disoriented, sorrow, sadness, more loss, and so on. I hope you are well and want you to know how much your words have helped someone else in a time of great pain as well.
May 27, 2011
 this is not easy
by: Janelle (administrator)

Hi all,

I'm so glad to see some of you connecting through these comments. It is so easy to feel alone during grief and finding people with similar experience is helpful. It sounds like each of you are coming up with some helpful coping strategies.

I just wanted to respond to the comment to the person who said they have no one to talk to. I am so sad to hear this. But I do know the feeling. And sometimes when you do talk to someone, you just don't feel like they get it.

I am currently working on developing some online small group workshops where folks dealing with grief can learn and reflect on their experience together. My hope is that people will develop some online friendships that can be supportive. This is still in the development stages, but hearing comments like this keeps me going. If you want to stay informed as this develops, you can sign up for my newsletter.

Also if you ever find yourself in need of someone to talk to, do consider someone from this group of online grief counselors. The more I am in contact with these folks, the more impressed I am. They are a very caring and knowledgeable group of people.

May you find glimmers of hope today.
May 26, 2011
 Hello again
by: Anonymous

You are right. Grief is very lonely and it's something that I struggle with every day. I try to keep myself occupied as if that will somehow help me to forget the pain. Well, sometimes it doesn't work, no matter how hard try. I tell myself that dad was very sick, and now he can rest in peace, but it's just so hard to let him go. I find it the most difficult when I am all alone. Sometimes I think I'm just going to scream and never stop. The worst part of it is that I can't really talk to anyone (other than you)about how I really feel. It's like everyone just expects me to move on. I just feel like a part of me died with him and I'll never be the same. I don't know how else to explain it.

I'm happy that you have found something that gives you peace and I'm also glad that my words were of some comfort to you. I recently purchased the Nook reader and I find that reading calms my nerves.

Take care of yourself and try to have a calm summer. Maybe I should take my own advise. (-:

May 26, 2011
 just an update
by: Anonymous

I am the original writer of 'This is not easy' and I came onto the website today as I am having a phase of bad days on the relentless journey. I would like to reply to the last contributor who replied to me on 27th March. Rereading your comments today was a comfort to me and I hope that you are having some good days as well as the tough ones. Our fathers were very special in our lives and I as I am sure you are am striving to live on and well in his honour but it is as my original comment was entitled, 'not easy'. It is not just the matter of their death, death is part of life , it is more complicated than that , we grieve for the pains in their lives as well as the loss to us now. It is so hard at this 'stage' ( I no longer think there are 'stages' , it is as it is) of the journey to express feelings in words but I just wanted to say hello and to let you know that you are not alone either and we will find our calmer shore but for now it is a matter of keeping calm in the storm. Sorry for any cliches , it is so hard to express and grief is lonely. On a lighter note I was planting lettuce and tomato seeds earlier this week and I found it therapeutic , perhaps I should take up painting as well ! All these things help but it the pain is heavy. Bye for now.
Mar 27, 2011
 I know how you feel
by: Anonymous

I am holding back the tears as I write this. I don't think reality has sunk in yet for me. I finally finished my father's estate and on Friday filed his last tax return. I went to the cemetary yesterday and just stood there, looking at the marker as if I were seeing at it for the first time. I still can't belive he's gone. I have taken care of my dad ever since my mom died (1977). My mother and I were never close. I was 20 at the time and my dad and I were always buddies. He was my best friend and it just tears me up that I can't come home at the end of the day and just talk to him. You are right when you say that you can't really talk to anyone and share your memories. I am finding that friends tend to give me the "you have to move on" speech and I just can't do it yet. I feel like I am stuck in a black hole somethimes, reliving the last week of his life, going over it and over it in my mind. Did I do all that I could? Was there something that I missed? Did I do the right thing disconnecting the life support? My dad had a living will and it was his wish not to have artificial life support, but it was extremely difficult giving the final ok. He was awake and tapped the tube with hand making a remove it gesture. I told him I would take care of it and he sort of smiled and a tear ran down his cheek. I have days when I feel ok, but then I will see something or hear something that reminds me of him and it's just like a knife jabbing me in the heart.

I started writing a journal as if I were speaking to my father, and that really helps. That way I can say whatever I like and the thoughts and feelings are private. I don't always want to share that with friends, because they just don't understand the pain and lonliness. I know my dad was sick. I lived with it every day for over 2 years and I know that he was tired of it all. He would sit in his chair and just cry. I can't even begin to tell you how that affected me. Seeing my dad who was at one time so strong, just sit there and cry... I'll never forget it.

Please, feel free to talk to me any time you feel necessary. I will always answer you. Believe me, I do feel your pain because I live with it every day. Will it ever get easier to live with the loss? I know one thing for sure, we may be able to live with our loss, but we will never forget our fathers. If you are anything like me, you are a carbon copy of your dad. I know I am.

I pray that we both find peace. Take care of yourself.
Mar 22, 2011
 This is hard to describe
by: Anonymous

I am posting another update because I am finding the journey very tough at present. I feel now as I would have expected to feel much earlier. One of my close friends has commented that there was so much to do after my father died that it is only now that I have the space to grieve like this. I also moved house a few months ago and areas as well.

My mother never mentions my father because of the way she is so there is no one to share memories with. It is hard to express what I feel and on the one hand the only person I can share it with is myself. I have good friends all over the world but not around the corner as I am still very new to this area.

I find it hard even after a year to believe that my father's race is run.
Time is meaningless. I should mention that he was mother and father to me growing up. All my memories of being 'mothered ' are from him and my grandmother.

I don't know if I should send this . It does help though to write things down.
Jan 24, 2011
 Thoughts
by: Anonymous

Just to say that I seem to be at a stage where words are inadequate. I feel as if I am only just beginning to realise that my father has gone but I thought I had realised months ago. Someone said to me recently that one realises time and time again. Does it take a while for it to become real? I also realise that I am still shocked. My father was a soul mate as well as a father, he was also mother and father to me growing up.
It is difficult to find meaning now. All our goals are so meaningless when everything is going to pass away one day. Sorry if this sounds negative.
Jan 15, 2011
 Moving forward
by: Jeanette

Time does give you a new perspective on life. The holidays were sad. I'm not going to deny that, but I tried to keep busy and also shared my feelings with family and friends. I find myself still dwelling on the sad memories, but not as often as before. I guess reality has finaly caught up with me. There has been so much sadness all around me this year, with parents of friends passing away. I just went to viewing last week, and all the memories came flooding back as if my dad had just passed away. I know for me it is easier to accept those feelings when they hit me rather than deny them. I will always in some way feel sad that my dad is no longer with me, but life really does move quickly, and we have to appreciate the little things that make us happy. I am currently remodeling my entire house (weekend warrior) and made a resolutiion this year to take piano lessons. I have wanted that since I was around 10 yrs old. I'm now 54 and realize that I need to find what makes me happy and what gives my heart peace. My father always told me that when he passes I need to contine living. I get it now. The pain is not as deep and the sadness is not consuming my every waking hour. Our parents want us to live a happy life. Cherish and celebrate the time we had with them because they will always be a part of us. The first anniversay is coming up soon and I know it will be a tough few days, but I'll get through it.
It's amazing how one year can change your perspective on life. Life on for them. This is what they wanted for us.
Jan 14, 2011
 It is now just over a year
by: Anonymous

I wrote the first comment for 'This is not easy'.

I feel the need to share some more 13 months since my father died but I don't know where to start.

I now realise how very very early 4 months and 8 months were, they were the stages at which I left my earlier comments.

Time takes on a different meaning and feeling after you lose someone close.

I have had other bereavements but nothing like this. It changes how you look at everything , life , God , everything,it is a bit frightening,Also it depends on the sort of life your loved one had, I find myself grieving for the life my father had to lead as well.

I am getting on with life and have had a house move to deal with recently and other family concerns and I have laughter and appreciate how precious life is but inwardly I am struggling very much with the loss of my father and one can feel very alone and as if the outside world would be expecting you to have got over it and of course you can never get over it.

I felt that this was a safe place to share these thoughts.

This journey is one where you do not know where it is going next or what new emotion you are going to feel. It is tough.

Aug 16, 2010
 your update
by: Janelle

Jeanette,

I'm glad to read the update--even thought you may not feel like you are in a better place on your journey. Birthdays and other important anniversaries can be especially hard.

Some people like to create a little ritual that they do each year to remember their loved one. I have a friend whose father loved steak. She herself doesn't eat steak that much, but each year on his birthday she will make herself a steak dinner to remember him.

Regarding the memory books...they will happen when the time is right for you.

I'm glad you are finding the website helpful. This summer I moved, so I haven't been able to give much time to the site, but I'm planning to give it more attention now that things are settled again.

May you find glimmers of hope for your journey...

Aug 14, 2010
 You are not alone
by: Anonymous

It's now been almost 6 months since my father died. It has been a journey of many emotions. Getting through the "first" of everything is very painful...the first fathers day...my birthday...and pretty soon his birthday. I can't even think about the holidays and plan to aviod it all together this year. It's just too sad. What keeps my going these days is the realization that my life must continue. My dad was a very opinionated, srtong willed person. It was very difficult watching him lose that part of himself. Whenever I feel myself slipping back to the sad memories, I hear his voice in my head telling me that life goes on and he wants me to live my life fully. It's easier said than done, but each day is slightly less painful than the previous one. I am finally starting to have happy memories. I will hear or see something that reminds me of him, or think of something silly that he said, and I will start to laugh. I haven't laughed in a long time. I have been writing letters to my dad and it does help. Please try to get your emotions down on paper. It really does help release the grief. I cried buckets of tears as I was writing, and it did help.

My wish for you is that you find peace in your heart and the courage to move forward. Please keep in touch.
Aug 12, 2010
 A few months on
by: Anonymous

It is another four months since I first wrote and I realise now just how very early on the first four months is.

It is my father's birthday soon and .............I really can't find the words to express the part of the journey I am on now. There is still a lot of numbness I think but it gradually becomes more real and each time you think you have reached reality and 'caught up 'with what has happened you find that there is still further to go. There is also a feeling that I must be strong, many people lose loved ones, it is a common human experience of course but it is so ...I can't find the right word.

Due to personal circumstances I have not been able to make the memory books you mentioned but it is an aim of mine to make them later this year.

Thank you once again for your website.
Apr 26, 2010
 Thank you Jeanette
by: Anonymous

Dear Jeanette,

Thank you very much for sharing some of your journey.Whilst all our stories are different I can relate very much to parts of your journey and want you to know that you are not alone in what you are experiencing if that is of any comfort. You have made the journey less lonely for me by sharing your experience. I was in a caring role as well although not as full time as yours probably was. You did a beautiful thing for your father in caring for him. I wish you peace.
Apr 22, 2010
 I too lost my Father
by: Jeanette

My father passed away 2 months ago, and at 53, I have never felt so insecure. My father is in my thoughts all day long. I can't seem to get past the grief and pain of his last two days in the hospital. I am having difficulty finding the happy memories. My only solace right now is knowing that he was spared the pain of cancer. My dad passed away from complications of pneumonia after a diagnosis of lung cancer. I was always close to my dad and was his caregiver for the last 2 years of his life. Those last two years were very difficult and our bond grew stronger. Now the house is empty and quiet and it's unbearable for me to walk into this house everyday and not have him here. I just pray that as time passes, all of the good memories will return and I can once again smile when I think of my father.
Apr 09, 2010
 No it isn't easy
by: Janelle

I am truly sorry for your loss. You are right that each person's journey is influenced by their own circumstances. I hope that you will find ways to help you walk toward greater healing.

I am glad that you have lovely memories to hold on to. Do you find it helpful to write about those memories at all? Each person has different ways to cherish those memories. I made memory books to help me through those early days of loss. Now when I look back through them, I am surprised at the memories that I have forgotten. It makes me even more glad that I made the books.

I'd love to hear ways that you are celebrating your father's memory.

My thoughts are with you in these difficult days.

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