tell him to wait for me

by Donna
(Brighton)

I am very sad and lonely after my partner died recently in April of this year. I am now 33 weeks pregant with our baby and i miss not sharing the joy and happiness with him. We were about to get married and have our baby, and it came as a terrible shock because he was only 39 years old and this was complete unexpected.

I came home and i was the one who found him in our home, and i actually held him in my arms, then layed him down and found there was no breathing. I cried and screamed when the paramedics told me the news, even though I knew deep down, you always hope they can do something.

Although I am partly comforted by knowing i have part of him with me in our baby,I feel so lonely and empty without him, and i feel scared of the birth, and sad he wont physically be there, and i dont want anyone else there because it is our special most precious time of our baby being born, so i am taking his photo of us.

he was such a wonderful kind caring man, i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, and thats how it remeains in my heart, an eternal love. That will always be, forever. I feel sad that our baby won't have a daddy as he was so dedicated to being a father, this was his first time of being a dad, and it is such a sad moment in my life, for something that could have been so happy for us has been taken away.

I just miss so much about him, and when i see other mums and dads with their children i break down and cry, thinking its not fair that was suppose to be us.

And when i see people happily getting married I feel sad as well because the day before he died, he told me what a lovely wife i would make, but we never got the chance to be husband and wife. In my heart we were married, if not more.

I lay in bed at night holding his jumper next to me, and i write him letters to day how much i miss him and how much i love him. A partner means so much, you spend every day and night, your whole life with that person, and they are the one that is with you 24/7 no one else is, not even your family or friends. Even just sitting at the dinner table on my own, sets me off, and i cant ever watch tv now because we use to cuddle up whilst watching tv and i dont wanna watch it on myown.

Never take for granted your partner, they are suppose to be that very special love that is there with you by your side, and i never felt lonely when my special love was with me. You can't ever say it enough, "I love you", just cherish every day and waking hour, id do anything to have him with me again, just to hold him and look into his eyes and hear his voice.

Comments for tell him to wait for me

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Aug 03, 2011
 lonely
by: Janelle

Dear Donna,

I'm glad to hear that you are going to make a children's book for your baby. I think you both will find that very helpful. I'm sure your child will got through stages with it. When my son was 3 and 4 it was his favorite book. Now that he is 7 he says it makes him too sad, and he doesn't want to read it. So I just go with the flow and let him decide when and how much he wants to read it.

Yes, I had many lonely times. It is difficult to live with the variety of emotions that one goes through with grief.

As I read your comments, I couldn't help thinking of Paula D'Arcy's story. She is a spirituality writer who lost her husband and first daughter to a drunk driver. At the time of their deaths, she was pregnant with their second daughter.

I do not recall how much she writes about grieving the loss of her husband in relation to her second daughter's birth, but I remember either reading about it or hearing her talk about it. I've heard her speak and also read the following two books:

Song for Sarah: A Mother's Journey Through Grief and Beyond is a book based on her journals. It starts from before her first daughter Sarah's birth. It continues until after the accident and through the birth of the second daughter. You might find it helpful, as Paula writes in a very honest and real way.

I also read Gift of the Red Bird: The Story of a Divine Encounter, which she writes several years after the deaths. It includes elements of her grief story as well as her continued spiritual journey. Both are well worth reading.

I hope you can find ways to continue to enjoy the excitement of a newborn in the midst of your loss. I'll be thinking of you.



Aug 03, 2011
 LONELY
by: Anonymous



Dear Janelle,

Thank you for writing to me in detail about your own loss and how various things have helped you.
The idea of making a memory book for my chld is a lovely idea, i was going to write a childrens picture book and make it very personal about babies daddy and memories of him.

I have been through various emotions, anger, sadness, hopelessnes, denial, disbelief, and all of those, but most recently i have also felt extreme lonelyness. Dis you feel lonely at that stage in your life?

I am excited that in4 weeks i have a baby due but i also can't help feeling sad that i don't have that special time when my partner is there with my during the birth, and i am afraid without him there. Also i feel very sad that he can't share all those wonderful moments with me like other mums and dads, and it angers me that what could have been the happiest time of our lives got snatched away so suddenly. Often it feels to painful to think it is real, that this has really happened.

Not only that my life has changed so much. I uxse to work fulltime, and have my partner the rest of the time. My familh are wonderful but somehow you can't describe the loss of a partner. They are your bested friend. You share your whole life with them, you cuddle them, you are intimate with them, you always have themn with you at night and every morning, then theres that empty spave next to you, theres no one to cuddle or wipe away your tears, or talk to in the night, it all just vanishes.


How can anyone say "Goodbye", goodbye is final, its you are gone. i can't believe that i balive they are with us forever.

Do you ever get lonely?
Jul 18, 2011
 helping your child connect
by: Janelle

Dear Donna,

I'm so glad my comments helped. I have no idea which way is better, but I do agree that it sure would've been nice for your child to have had photos taken with his or her dad.

Thus far my son has not had a very hard time with the fact that his dad died. Its the only life he has really known. He knows I love him very much, and he seems to be secure in that.

One of the things that was very helpful to him was that I made a age-appropriate story book to tell him about his dad and his dad's death. You can read about it on this Children and Grief Memory Books page. When my son was three this was his favorite bedtime story, and he could recite it from memory. He was heard telling his friends the whole story several times.

Of course, in my case, I do have photos of my son and his dad as you'll see on the two sample pages I included. But if you included photos of you and your partner, tell a bit of your story, and tell how excited you both were about your babies arrival, I think it would still help your child to have a sense of who his or her dad was.

If you've never done them, the digital books are super easy to do. But some folks enjoy the hands on aspect of doing their own cutting and pasting of photos to create their story book.

Another thing that I've heard of people doing is using the father's clothes to make patchwork quilts for their children.

I also saved specific of my husband's things that will be for my son. Some of them he has now. He calls it "his collection." Other things I'll give him when he is older.

Obviously none of these things replace having a living dad, but at least they can help children get to know a little about their dad.

It does seem normal that you would experience a mix of emotions when your baby arrives. There are all the "what could have beens..." mixed in with the joy of having a baby. Then, of course, there are also the exhausting nights where you might just feel totally angry that you are left on your own. Get all the support you can...and let people help if they are willing.
Jul 17, 2011
 tell him to wait for me
by: Anonymous

Dear Janelle, thank you for your comments.

I sit there and wonder would it have been easier he had died before i had the baby, or after?
Often I think,he would have been so proud to hold his baby for the first time, and i could have least had a photo of him together with our baby, and he would have had some opportunity to feel gthe love and happiness of meeting his first ever baby. But he never got that chance, only through the scan photos, and knowing he was going to be a daddy.

On the other hand, it must be so sad to have your husband hold their baby only to loose all of that too. either way, it hurts just the same. Then you think, if only theyd seen their first birthday or christmas, or their first day at school.
how did you find you coped, what will it be like for us when our children ask about their dad and what happened to them?

Will life be easier when my baby arrives, i think this will be a mixture of emotions, part happy having the baby, but v sad also because i will be thinking of what it would have been like if he had been there with me to see our child come into the world.

Often I wake up from a dream where i have dreamt he is livign with his parents, then go to phone his mobile but realising its just a dream and he is not there. The the reals=ity hits me again.
other times i wake up and think i have a magical way of finding him or bringing him back, but search for the way and break down to realise there is no way. Only to know he is with me and i can keep him there forever.
Jul 17, 2011
 Love never dies
by: Anonymous

I lost someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with too but not to death. Just know that you are still loved and your partner is still with you.
I just lost my Dad to death 5 month ago. I loved him so much. I miss him everyday. I hurt and cry. But I know he is with me too. I believe those that have passed want us to be strong.
God loves you and so do they and always will.
Do not worry, trust, believe in the futurel...these are words from my dad and they apply here.
We are blessed. You are blessed especially since you have a part of your partner and always will within you and in your child. Be good to yourself. Take care. Pray. It will help.
I say the Rosary because that is what my Dad always did.
I know they are still with us.
My prayers are wtih you. Love never really dies once you know it.
Jul 16, 2011
 my thoughts are with you
by: Janelle

Donna,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Your story is similar to mine. However, my baby was already born when my husband died, but still too young to remember his dad.

There are really no words to make it better or take the pain away. Even though I don't know you, you will be in my thoughts today. And I hope that you will find enough strength to move through this dark season and find glimmers of hope like stars in the night.

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