{My tidal wave of grief to much for one lifetime :( }

by Debbie
(Ohio)

Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you,smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,sweeps you up into its darkness,where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped...Grief will make a new person out of you,if it doesn't kill you in the making.- Stephanie Ericsson
I'm a brand new wound once more. My only son died on May 11. So I'm hurt, so raw, apart of my heart is gone. He was to be married on September 19th. We where going to dance to simple man by lynyrd Skynyrd. If you ever get a chance read the lyrics.The words are so much like our relationship. I ask myself why? If? How? He was only 40 years old and was finally on his way to a happy life he wanted children, he would have made a great Dad! His 4 sisters are devastated, His Dad is angry because Michael was so stubborn he would not go to the Doctors. Sadness over takes me at times but, I do know I will survive. I also know it is going to take a long time. You see I have been thru this more than any person should have to. This is my son, my baby, I gave birth to him.
They say losing a child is the hardest.I think they are right. You see I lost my Mom at 3 they used unsterile instruments when my baby brother was being born She died from blood poisoning . I always wondered what it would have been like if she lived. My dad was an alcoholic and didn't or couldn't or wouldn't take care of the 4 of us. So my Grandma and Grandpa adopted all 4 of us and we where loved. When I was 25 my grandfather died. You could say he was the first close death that I experienced. It was heart wrenching and I was 3 months pregnant. I knew God but not like I do now. So I was wondering why and how could God take him. I was married to an alcoholic you know they say you marry someone like your Dad. Well I did. We had 3 children Michael being the oldest. During this time I went back to church and i went to Alanon It saved my life. I learned to let go and not worry about things I could not change. In February 3rd of 1988 My Dad died from lung cancer. We where able to make our amends and I was able to ask him questions for example why didnt you want me? I also asked Him if when He died If he could would he please let me know he was ok. We kinda laughed about that. My heart was happy because i know my Dad asked God into His heart and I will see him one day along with my Mom and my Son. That very next month my Husband died March 6th I found Him in the garage. he was working on an old truck he got from my Dad and He had been so happy that he got it running. He died from accidental carbon monoxide poisoning . I was a 33 year old widow with a 13 year old son a 7 and 6 year old girls. I was devastated. I went thru the motions like I am now day by day but then I had children I needed to take care of. Thankfully I had a Great support system and a very strong faith. This is when i started a journal. Wow it really does help. You can even see in the writing when i was a peace or angry and sad. Remember when I asked my dad to let me know if he was ok a week after my husband died. i was laying in bed and i felt a soft touch on my cheek and a whisper saying its alright its ok. I dont tell to many people this but it happened as sure as i am writing this. May of the same year My uncle died from a heart defect he didnt even know he had. My Aunt and I became close for a while because we both knew how the other felt. She chose to become bitter instead of better I chose better. I kept leaning on God to help me! August the same year my Aunt died from lung complications. It seemed like every time the phone rang some one else had passed. We all got to the point where we didn't want to answer the phone. My Heart was breaking for my Grandma (Mom) she buried 2 of her children and 2 son in laws. What an incredible woman full of God's grace. So we thought It is done. Oh we where so wrong, July of the following year my sister, My Best friend was killed on her way to work only 36 years old with 3 children at home. We all were in a tailspin, devastated, hurt, and I was so very angry so strong was this emotion that it put me in a black hole in which I thought i would never get out. I was mad at God I prayed I knew he would let her live but he didnt. I could not understand why. she was so loving the best Mom and sister and friend and wife. I was mad at the world for like 6 months and that is when the lord and 4 great friends should me a passage. God know what is going to happen to each of us before we can even think about it. it is all in his plan we may not know what that plan is but we must have faith that he does.Trust and Believe. it does not take the pain away but it helps you heal. I tell others who are suffering that death is like an open wound hurts so bad but eventually it scabs over but something will happen where the scab get torn off and it hurts all over again but it starts to heal and you are left with a scar that you will always have a reminder of where you where and how you came out ahead of it. I also found that no one can take your memories away Hold onto them they are priceless. Our family had more deaths. My aunt's son died from the same heart defect his Dad had My sister's son died from a drug over dose My beautiful grandma died from Cancer and my younger sister and i had the privilege of taking care of her. what a blessing! My grandma was able to see me get remarried to a wonderful man and we got custody of his 2 daughters. Since then we have buried 2 cousins who where murdered 3 more Aunts and Uncles. My husbands Dad. The day we buried him is when we found out about Michael being in the Hospital. so that brings me full circle to now. This helped me I know I will be ok. I will be different but who wouldn't?