My bestfriend, my buddy, my pal

by Jennifer
(IL)

It took me 50 years to find the love of my life!! And it was so worth the wait.
We met on Feb 23, 2009 and were married on the same day and time a year later. We were inseparable. We did most everything together and rarely quarreled. I guess at our age (I was 50, he 52), you learn what you want and work for that.
He loved the fact that even though I had not been a passenger on a motorcycle until a few months before we met, he could not get me off that bike!!! I found a new level of life, love and freedom! If I came home upset from work, he would let me vent and then quietly tell me to get changed, we were going for a ride and before we were out of the driveway, I was at peace. Part of that was him, not just the riding.
On Saturday, April 26, 2014 (barely 2 months after our 4th wedding anniversary) there was a Military Charity ride that he wanted to go on. We had had words on Friday night, as he also had plans for us on Sunday and I told him I needed 'down' time and would not be going on the ride. When I woke on Sat morning, I realized I would go on that ride because it meant so much to him, having served in the Navy in the end of the Vietnam War. I am so so so glad I went that day.
We met up with many different people throughout the day. It was a beautiful peaceful day. We ended up meeting with friends at the end of the night not far from home.
On our way home, at 12:45 a.m. Sunday the 27th, we were hit head on by a drunk driver. My beautiful husband was killed instantly. He saw the car coming in time to put the bike down in a way to save my life. I still have some injuries that I may live with the rest of my life, but there are many who have had worse injuries. (FYI - he had no alcohol or drugs in his system as many in the media suspected)
I do not remember a lot of that day, but I remember us being happy to be together.
I lived with my daughter and son-in-law for a month. Different friends had 2 benefits for me. I lost my job. I had a fractured rib, so I could not even cry for a month. I was pretty much numb for at least a month, but friends in the community kept dragging me out. I would go, have a few laughs and come home and have complete meltdowns and cry until the sun came up. I felt guilty .... I should not have fun, my husband is dead!! Then when I got over that .... I felt guilty ..... I should not have fun without my husband.
I am now done with all my therapies and hope my ortho appointment tomorrow with be my last. My son still stops by and checks on me several times a week.
I still have meltdowns, but not as often. I never know when it will happen, but it always waits until I am in the safety of my home.
I sometimes wonder if my having to deal with my physical healing has helped me through. I take steps backwards sometimes. But I choose to not dwell in what I cannot have. I am anxiously waiting for the trial to be over so I can have closure.
An acquaintance of ours has been spending time with me and I actually felt butterflies!!!! More guilt!!! Does this mean I didn't really love him??? Is my hubby or God bringing this person to me to help me move on??? I don't want to hurt anyone.
I miss my husband every second of every minute of every day. But I am choosing not to dwell in it. I do not want to live a miserable life. My husband would not want me to live a miserable life. God does not want me to live a miserable life.
I am choosing to live one day at a time.
I don't know if I will ever be able to love like that again, but I am not going to quit living.
The only force I can say that has brought me through this all is God! There are many people who I will never be able to repay, but they know that and I believe God brought them to me.
I can say I am so glad I went with my darling Dan that day so that I live with no regrets. Our life was not perfect but it was our perfect life!
I have always been a strong person and the one thing I have heard over and over again that, at times has rubbed me the wrong way is ..... you are strong, you can do this. {I know this and don't need to be reminded! In fact, I don't want to have to be strong!}
I am so thankful that I had God in my life daily prior to this and He is getting me through it each day.