I did not realize

by Alison McQuade
(San Francisco)

I did not realize How much I would treasure the sudden memories of his wit and of his blowing kisses

I did not realize I would take his ashes to sleep with me every night and put my hand in them to feel an unattainable closeness

I did not realize How him being there made the difficult times in life a little more bearable

I did not realize that I would spill his ashes only one week after his death and have to vacuum them up - we were two people on a couch just the week before not knowing what was in store

I did not realize it would take more than 1,2,3,4 years to feel somewhat myself again.

I did not realize my own self would never be the same.

I did not realize that the loss of him from my life would permeate my every thought. My grief consumed me to the core. It was not kind.

I did not realize how many people would not understand grief and how I myself not so long ago was one of the unknowing....

I did not realize how happy I actually was until I lost him.

I did not realize that those who stood by me, friends and family alike would surprise and comfort me with their warmth and kindness when I needed it most.

I did not realize I would no longer feel like myself, my strong confident self. I lost a part of myself, the part I had discovered through knowing him.

I did not realize I would have to somehow forge a future and tally on if not for me for those I owed the gift of life to.

Alison McQuade
Mcquadechutneys@gmail.com