by jim
(melbourne, australia)
At this moment I'm feel like I’m walking through the valley of the shadow of death but I’m alone and afraid and I don’t feel His comfort and presence.
A bit of background; I’m 58 years old and became a Christian in 1984. In fact it was my estranged wife who brought me to Christ and she became a Christian a couple of years earlier. We had, I thought, a wonderful life and marriage together. We have 4 children ages 16, 18, 21 and 25. We are regular church worshippers. I was a Sunday school teacher for 12 years and she was a religious teacher in public schools for many years. Both of us love God. She was always the stronger one spiritually. She never failed to talk to strangers about the Gospel. She had bible verses stuck on every walls of the house. She loves God so very much.
And that is why I’m totally devastated by what she has done. I believed around December last year or January this year, she had an affair. She told me in April this year that she wants a separation on grounds that I have not supported her emotionally and she was unhappy with her life. She wants (in her words) a new life, a new start. She said she’s 58 years old and have not many years to live and then “no more”. She should be the one to know that we should seek the kingdom of God and not the world. 2 weeks ago, I found out via access to her emails, confirmation of the affair. I confronted her but she accepted no guilt or remorse. She scolded me for my narrow mindedness and said that she is who she is today because of me. She said since the separation she doesn’t consider herself my wife anymore and it’s just a technicality. When told by a mutual friend not to forget her wedding vows before God, "till death do we apart". She said her old self is dead and today she's a new person. She has since moved out of the home and I don’t know where she’s living now. Probably nearby as she is still in regular contact with the children.
What I can’t understand is how a godly person like her can fall so far from Him. I can’t understand why God let this happen. I’ve prayed incessantly since the separation but my prayers go unanswered. Worst still, I can’t feel his presence when I do pray.
My whole world has come crashing down. My faith is gone. I stopped praying. I stopped going to church. A few nights ago, I was so desperate I challenged God and Satan. I will worship the one who grant me my wish.
What do I want? I want this nightmare to stop torturing me. I forgive her and I want to work on our marriage. (She does not want to). I want our family whole again. I want my children to stop hurting. I want to be able to sleep and work. I want my faith back. I want to trust Him. I want to stop crying and hurting. I want to be able to pray again. I want to know that He cares and loves me. I want to feel His presence.
Administrator Response:
Jim,
What a tremendous sorrow. I "hear" your grief over what used to be and what should still be. Your struggle with God seems like a very natural and normal reaction to this pain. I can imagine that it would feel very hard to pray and that you would feel there are no words.
Although this site was based on my loss through death, I've heard from many people who have struggled through separation who have also found the articles helpful.
As you are looking for words to pray you may find the Psalms of Lament section helpful. As you will know if you've spent much time reading the Psalms, the psalmist is pretty real and raw with God about his feelings.
I also found photography helpful in finding a different way to pray that went beyond words, but also helped me find words. If you read the articles in the Dealing with Grief through Photography section, I think you will understand.
My thoughts and prayers will be with you today.
Janelle