He deserved better!

by Janis Allen
(Sterling Heights, MI)

This is my second entry. I'm thankful for this site; it has allowed me to express my grief over the loss of my son, Lucas. I still cannot say "that word" and I am now in the seventh month since he has "passed away". After re-reading my first entry and viewing the photo I selected to attach ~ I felt this overwhelming need to say more about him. To attach a better photo; but the truth is I haven't many photos of my Lucas, especially the past five years while he lived alone. Suffered alone. His daily phone calls were always positive. I knew how much pain he was in as when I did see him I saw it behind that (unwilling) smile. Once while visiting him we were just sitting around talking and suddenly he screamed out, his body jolted forward and he grabbed his leg; tears streaming down his face. "Oh Mom", he cried..." I cannot go on much longer living like this" I held him and cried along with him ~ unable to speak or say the right thing to my child. I couldn't 'save' my baby. I couldn't make it all better and when I did speak the words weren't enough.
Did he know he was dying? I pray to God he felt no extreme pain. He was all alone. I regret I was at a senseless picnic. Weeks prior we had talked about going on our own little picnic, just the two of us. It was a hot August and I kept putting it off saying "Let's wait for a day where it's not so hot". Try not to put promises on 'hold'. Don't wait because you never know what will happen while waiting for the perfect day or time. Make your promises happen without delay. I regret not having our picnic; it would have been one more memory for me now.
I've always had photographs decorating my home and since Luke has been gone I've put out even more photographs; a lot when he was younger..... what a beautiful baby he was. I swear I thought he was 'strange' because he was always smiling and hardly ever cried. Some say I shouldn't have so many pictures of him out for display. Why not?! He is part of me, my memories are wonderful but yet his last few years were so very sad. I regret he was so sick. He inherited my Diabetes, the long line of Heart Disease he had at such a young age. I just regret I was elsewhere while he was dying. I regret I couldn't change his sad, lonely, painful life. I catch myself laughing now and I stop; I shouldn't be laughing! There is nothing funny! My beloved son is gone and I keep looking at the door waiting for him to walk in wearing that big smile he always wore. I miss him. I want him back! I'll be sixty years old this year and my life has changed drastically now that my son isn't here. A mother shouldn't outlive her child. I picture him up in Heaven. I pray he is no longer in pain. I pray we will embrace each other again, someday.