August 28, 2008

by Nika
(Maryland)

I am writing this as if I were telling a detailed story, it's the only way I know how to express, so one can feel what I feel.

"In the morning." Those were the last words my mother said to me before she woke up dead Thursday, August 28, 2008. She lie flat on her back in a red t-shirt on her bed at 6am. I knew something was wrong, she never lays like that. She doesn't wake up when I call her. Her face his pale and clammy, lips are white; she looks dead. I cannot think like that, I call 911. They tell me to try to give CPR, so I do. The first to arrive, not EMS whom I need, but a cop. He looks at her, I can tell by his expression, he thinks she's dead too. Adrenaline is starting to rise. EMS gets there, yet its not like the other times when they come. There is not a lot of talking, no movement what so ever, no stretcher coming. Just some kind of machine that's beeping and talking. "They did everything they could" says the cop. "What does that mean?" I say. A blur after that.

It is now 2 years later, I'm mad as hell and miserable. I was 23 when she died, she was 55. I am at no point of acceptance. I have read "Motherless Daughters." I cannot even accept the fact right now that all I have left is memories, and that there are only degrees of coping. I'm sorry to say that that is not good enough for me. I want my mother. I feel jealous and envious of anyone that has their mom. I don't want to be this way. I have been traumatized by this event and don't know where to begin in coping with such. I have nothing but anxiety, and a pain in my chest that has not subsided in months.
I feel as if I am in a cold dark well, and everyone is telling me to come out. "enjoy life... Be happy" they say. How can I when I'm down this cold, pitch black well with absolutely no guidance or a way to get out. I know there are others that feel what I feel, but they're not around me. Which makes it harder. Life just goes on and no one cares. Life pushes me to go on like nothing happened and that angers me extremely. Why can't someone acknowledge my pain and how real it is, EVERY DAY?

With all that said. I know I need help, before I have a heart attack just like my mother.

Comments for August 28, 2008

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Jun 23, 2012
 No one should do it alone
by: Linda

I know the feeling of the cold, dark well. It's a good description. I ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PAIN.
My brother died from cancer Sept 2011. He had surgery, aggressive radiation, chemo (which he stopped). He had one of those machines implanted, to replace his voice. He lived in another state. As his condition worsened, I too asked for a miracle and prayed to be taken instead.
What put me in that terrible place, was the fact that my cold, disfunctional family left him all alone, to die a terrible death. I didn't have the money to go to him, before he died They did.
A statement was made by the 911 police, after a neighbor found him, of suicide. I feel this deep RAGE and soul-deep sorrow. Most of the sorrow is for him and the nightmare he went through. My family doesn't want to talk about him, except my younger brother, who has discussed it a little.
I know the isolation of not being able to share the grieving with those around you. God Bless
Jul 17, 2011
 august 28th
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry you feel you have no one to help you though this pain. It's alright for others to say "enjoy life, move on" but it is never like that. I have recently lost someone close to me, and like you I found him at our home.

You pray for someone to make a miracle happen, just like you I somehow knew he had passed away, but I hoped and prayed someone could save him, like you prayed they could save your mother.
Also you are so young, and I lost my partner young too. I find the only way I live is to know he will never leave me, our loved ones are with us for eternity.
Sep 26, 2010
 August 28
by: Janelle

Nika,

What a heart-wrenching story. I am sorry you are living with this. I do wish you had others close to you with whom you could share the reality of what you are experiencing.

You use very vivid imagery of being in a dark well with no one to give you guidance to find your way out. Do you have a sense of what kind of guidance would be helpful for you? You might want to spend some time thinking about what kind of guidance would fit your personality.

I wonder if you could find a Hospice grief group in your area. Often there are resources available, but most people are not aware of them because for most of life we don't need them.

My heart is with you this evening. Let me know if I can be of any assistance.

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